Barbara Walters Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2012

Last night there was a  concert called 121212 which had some of the biggest names in rock providing their talent and time to raise funds for the Robin Hood Foundation to help victims of superstorm Sandy. There were some fascinating people at this event but they didn’t make Barbara Walters list. So, who did? How did I even know Baba Wawa had this special? Newsday! Yes, it’s more than just birdcage liner. It’s informative, too. While they covered the concert event starting on page A6, page A5 had “Answers Weighty Question”. Being this article came before the concert, it must be important news. So, I read it. It was about Governor Chris Christie possibly being too heavy to be future president. I find the fat man interesting so, I’ll bite.

Who else did she find fascinating in 2012? In no particular order, let’s look at the winners. Seth MacFarlane -actor, animator, director, singer, I like this pick. He’s the only one on the list I would hang out with. Ben Affleck – this multiple Golden Raspberry Award winner seems to be on the right track. He is a better writer/producer/director than actor. Gabrielle Douglas – while I don’t find a 16 year old gymnast fascinating, this kid is a kick-ass gymnast. Hillary Rodham Clinton – this is her third time on the list. She’s not boring, so if that makes her fascinating, so be it.

Next is Prince Harry of Wales. What is this fascination with the British? Last year, it was Pippa. This year, it’s a guy who is third in succession to the throne. Third! You can see we’re going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids.

Who’s next? One Direction. Again with the British? They finished third on the X Factor. Third! They suck. No boy band should ever make the list. Ok, maybe the Osmonds and the Jackson 5 but that was the in the 60’s.

Next is author E.L. James. Who? I had to look it up, too. She’s a horny housewife who wrote three novels about B&D and S&M. Eighty-three year old Barbara Walters finds her fascinating. I’ll let that sink into your consciousness.

What has the next fascinating person done in 2012 to deserve recognition? This gentleman(?) cheated on his wife with a married woman, 20 years his junior. He resigned in disgrace last month. It’s David Patraeus. There’s nothing fascinating about an adulterer.

Lastly, Honey Boo Boo. Supposedly, she is a reality television actress who started her career on Toddlers and Tiaras. It’s a disgusting show that borders on child abuse in this author’s opinion. Every little girl is beautiful. You don’t need to parade your 5 year-old daughter in make-up and skimpy outfits and yell for her to shake her butt for cash prizes and trophies. So, what does TLC do? They give this kid her own show. Barbara Walters finds her fascinating. You know what, Barbara? When they have a youtube video of Honey Boo Boo speaking and they need to put up subtitles because nobody knows what the fuck she’s saying – that’s not fascinating.

But, hey, last year along with Pippa she also picked the Kardashian family.

In conclusion, who was the Most Fascinating Person of the Year? Drum roll, please. The adulterer.

Maybe, it’s time for Barbara to retire.

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